Heights have never been a problem for me. I used to define heights as getting to the top of an indoor rock-climbing wall or riding my favorite free-fall ride at Disneyland. Those things I did without a second thought and, not a moment of doubt as I waited in line for the ride or as I was being strapped into the climbing harness. I could always look down freely and smile at my mother’s awaiting camera without turning pale at the distance between firm ground and me.
That all changed as I was looking down at the rapidly gushing river from a cliff 17 feet above at the age of merely ten in the summer of 2018. My family and I were in Jamaica then, on our annual summer vacation. I realized that I didn’t have a fear of heights— I had a fear of falling. Those activities I previously mentioned all had a safety net to catch me, in those cases the harness and the seat restraint. Yet for cliff diving, I could only jump in and hope the rushing water would catch me, or that I wouldn’t drift away from how fast it was cascading from the rocks. I was filled with nervous excitement, because this did seem like a fun activity after all. Of course, I was wearing a life jacket, but it would only ensure that my head stayed above the water surface. My younger brother had already gone seconds before me, and I looked down at him as he climbed out of the water. He was fine. It would seem a bit babyish of me if he, who was four years younger than I was, could do it.
Sometimes, being fearless is having fears and jumping anyways. And that was exactly what I did. Still shivering in the light breeze my swimsuit didn’t provide much comfort from, I turned off the irrational voice in my head. I stepped off the small wooden platform and plunged into the flowing river. It felt like in the blink of an eye that my head bobbed up like an apple from underwater, then I was fighting against the currents to get out of the river.
That day, as I sat on the tour bus sopping in a towel on the way back, I felt proud of myself. It wasn’t the same sort of pride I felt when I did well on my assessments, but it was in a sense of overcoming a small fear and my willingness to dive in fearlessly. I knew this was unforgettable, and I felt content about what I did that day.
This single jump later gave me a lot of confidence to try other adventurous activities, where in my head I would tell myself that “If I did that, I could do this too.” It made me realize once you jumped, it wasn’t as scary as it made out to be, even if the jump took a lot of courage. It was meaningful because it made me feel fearless, like I could conquer the world. I now know that being fearless isn’t about having no fears, but it’s about leaving behind all those worries and taking the big leap anyways.
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